He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
