3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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