i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
