i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
