White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
