apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
