someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
