I think my fart just growled at me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
