I wanna bring you to show and tell
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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