Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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