if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just high enough for therapy.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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