I haven't been this sober since birth.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
