he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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