i was born a porn star she said
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
