oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
