it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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