Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
