I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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