everyone is single if you try hard enough
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
