Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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