I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
