wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
