she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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