hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
