I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
