Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
