We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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