I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
