bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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