I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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