Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
