Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
