U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
