I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
