so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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