Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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