Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
