Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
zippers are such a cool invention
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
