I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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