I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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