I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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