p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Floor bacon is actually really good
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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