I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
