Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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