I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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