Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
