Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
