So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
