apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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