I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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